I've really been slacking on that existential audit, but I promise you it's only my record-keeping that has suffered. Perhaps I'll get around to fixing that. Ahh, I love the freedom of not pandering to an audience; but on to more pressing matters:
My friend, Fayza, recently wrote about her perception of a common dilemma in the field of law, her chosen profession: that no one is happy. Although my own field, engineering, is not universally analogous, I do draw some similarities where it comes to the particular species of engineer populating Silicon Valley. Our work is consuming. It's something that defines us. That's why we either paid big bucks to get an elite degree, or we moved away from our friends and family to be part of a "revolution." Fayza's final observation is that everywhere she looks in her field, the distinguished practitioner sees her true calling elsewhere.
In the comments, I suggest that happiness is perhaps, primarily a function of expectation. It's a notion that's obvious, but has the potential to be devastatingly disruptive. That's why I think it's commonly ignored, because taken at face value, it could unravel our very manner of living. Especially for those of us who are smart, and *especially* for those of us who are driven. If you want to be consistently happy, consistently exceed your expectations.
Let's disect a few ways in which we can bring truth to that statement. The first is that the lower your expectations are, the easier it will be to exceed them. Second, the proposition relies on the fact that you can perceive your expectations with clarity and also judge how far above or below that mark you've actually landed. People inherently employ a range of techniques to satisfy one of these two conditions, and most do it without giving the process an ounce of thought.
In days past, the average person was often constrained to the same life their parents had lived. The expectation was obvious and casually met. In the civilized world though, we've removed that constraint, or at least given it a run for its money, if you'll pardon the turn.
And more common, especially among the smart and successful, is the ability to lie to yourself. When employed properly, you can formulate just the right mental sound bite to prove that you've met an expectation. You can also rewrite history! Just alter what it was you were expecting in the first place to something that fits the outcome.
Now, let's suppose your hatred for dishonesty rivals only your love of the American Dream. Now you're in a pickle, 'cause you've got high-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes, and you'll probably only meet half of 'em. That's a ticket for the bipolar express.
Question: How does one dial back their expectations without being fundamentally disappointed?
The art of happiness is perhaps the art of estimation. Let's assume that there are several classes of expectation, who range independently from the amount of intelligence or will power you can apply to the problem.
For example: I expect to be a lawyer.
This expectation is not for the faint of heart. It's gonna require lots of money and lots of studying and probably a fair amount of neglect of other important things in your life. But it's achievable, given only your determination.
I expect to be a successful lawyer.
This is a little trickier, and will depend largely on how you define success. Is it a discrete salary that does it? Is it a certain number of court victories? If so, you have a fighting chance with the right amount of determination. Is it to be respected by other top lawyers in your field? Hold on right there.
I expect to be challenged, excited, or even satisfied.
Notice that these are all passive expectations. I find them to be commonplace and, because they aren't things you can really control, utterly dangerous. This is where I think my middle school gifted program gave me (and many others) the wrong idea. Nobody's going to sit me down in a bean bag chair and entertain my inner-most thoughts--businesses look for skill sets, not philosophers. If you're not challenged or excited on your own: tough sh**, they'll find somebody who is. This is not to say there's never a match between employer and employee, but I assert that the system is simply not designed to support sustainable matches for evolving human beings.
Moreover, even the most well-meaning of these organizations is not really looking out for your interest, like a good network of friends or family would. They're looking to be opportunistic. If you fit into a certain category of person who is thrilled by an amazing benefits package, you'll do well at XBM. If being around the top minds in your field is exciting to you, try Yoogle. If you love, love, love solving puzzles, you'll do wonderful at Zicrosoft!
I don't know how it works for y'all, but I'm a complex mixture of all these things, and I usually don't fit the archetype in their job listings. Despite all that, my parents have never told me I might be better off with another family. My friends have never said, come back after you get more experience in scalable relationship architectures (at least to my face).
And when they don't, they exceed my expectations. I was loved, respected, and I'm satisfied. The hope is that once you can discern a healthy expectation from an unhealthy one, you'll be able to take out the trash without missing the reek. Careful, though: it's sometimes easy to miss those compound expectations. So when you say, I expect to move to San Francisco and get a job, was that really *all* you expected?
Question: how does one get those moments in their career?
Short answer: you don't. My contention is that the systems are so fundamentally different that it's very rare to get treated well for very long in any job. I'm not talking about shallow things like benefits or salary. I'm talking about addressing the needs of folks who take a hard stance on becoming better people, in directions that often provide no additional value to the core of your business. There is simply no incentive.
Lately, companies have begun to claim that they are good at addressing this problem. Some are getting away with it in ways that may be more damaging than we think: by creating a caricature class of employee, turning her into a rockstar, and homogenizing her dreams. Once that uniformity is achieved, the company can afford to seem selfless--but it's manufactured. No matter how you slice it, business is business, and humans, at their very best, are different.
So when you *are* challenged or respected or honored or loved or encouraged at your job, be also surprised at the surplus. Your expectations have been exceeded, even though you were happy simply to have them met. You should know her well, the fulfillment of your healthy expectation, treating both her surplus and deficit as if an impostor.
P.S. - In the church of my youth, we called these surpluses, blessings. It's sad to see many important religious concepts overlooked, for fear of its caricature.